Sunday, November 1, 2009

Absence and Lies ...

I will be the first to admit that I have been absent from blogging. I have taken a short leave-of-absence thinking that it may help me to clear my head a little bit, but it has done exactly the opposite. I have come to discover that blogging is a bit therapeutic for me, it's something I come to enjoy and it's my way of sorting through the thoughts and ideas rolling around in my head. Fear not, dear readers, my absence is done! Hopefully, I will be back to a more regular schedule of blogging. I will be absent no more!

I've come to the point where I can freely admit this: I have told a lie. I'm uncertain if I told this lie to you, but I know for certain that I have told this lie to me. As you may know, I have my fertility exam tomorrow. I've been convinced that, no matter what the results, I won't be bothered by them. I think that today I have discovered that I am the only person who was convinced of that. Unfortunately, the thing that brought about that realization is me reacting less-than-joyfully to a rather joyous announcement, for which I am going to soon apologize, but for now I am going to write about it. Are you confused yet?! Allow me to dive further into this. My oldest brother, Jeremy, called me today with the wonderful news that he and his wife are expecting their third child! While this is splendid news, my reaction to it was nothing but selfish tears. I was upset by the fact that they get to bring a new life into this world when we have been "trying" for 10 months and have only resulted in a miscarriage.

My reaction to my brother was nothing that it should have been. Thankfully, he is big hearted and incredibly gracious and told me that I shouldn't worry, that God has my circumstance in His control and that, no matter what the doctors tell me tomorrow, that is not my final outcome. He reminded me that, if by chance the doctors say that I am unable to have a baby, I need to just look at it as a challenge and remember that my God is bigger than anything any doctor has to say about me.

I am so grateful to God that He has blessed me with such amazing siblings.

So, after shedding some more tears in private, I spend a lot of time thinking about what Jeremy said (and pretending to hide my mix of emotions by searching for houses online!). I realized that he is totally and completely right. While I was definitely telling myself a lie by saying that I would be completely okay if I were to never have my own baby, God knows my heart far better than even I know my heart. The way my body functions is no obsticle for God. He can do far greater things that I can ever ask or imagine - which includes giving us a baby!

So, once again, I fall back on the verse that I so dearly love: Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

So, for the time being, I am not focusing on today and I am not focusing on this appointment I'm facing, but rather I am focusing on the amazingness of our God. I'm focusing on the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father - and that is all I need to be concerned about!

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