10 months. That's how much time has passed since I last updated my blog. It is completely amazing to me that I have let that much time slip by, but it seems to have passed in just a mere moment - not in ten long, dragged-out months.
It's not that I haven't had things to write about (I have, a lot actually), or that I have lost my passion for writing (I haven't, not at all). It's more that I think I've been caught up in a game of trying to find myself, so much so that I lost myself completely.
Let me rewind. My last update (that post I wrote 10 months ago) told you that I was back at work managing a salon. Now this update will tell you I'm back at home being a stay-at-home mom! While I truly enjoyed having a job outside of our home and having an identity outside of "wife and mom", my household just does not function as well when I'm not here during the day to put the pieces in place. It was SO hard to not be available to be here when my kids were sick (or to have to call in to work because my kids were sick). It broke my heart that I wasn't immediately here when Claire had her very first (and extremely minor) fender-bender (I can't really even call it that - neither vehicle had any scratches or dents of any kind ... it was just her first experience driving in a nasty snowstorm). As Iain began the baseball season and Ellis started soccer, I was realizing more and more the importance of me being here and being available for my children in this season of life. So with that realization (and a LOT of discussion with Monte) I made the decision to leave my job at the salon.
There I was, six mere months later, back in the place I started.
Isn't it funny? The very thing that I was running from in life was the fact that my identity had become "just" a wife and mom, and yet the very position where I am the most needed in this life is to be Monte's wife and to be my children's mom.
The problem I have with that is the fact that I am an extreme extrovert. I need to be with other people! I need to communicate and to socialize and to just be allowed to be an adult who doesn't have to wipe her child's nose once in awhile. :) The irony is that I have always known that I wanted to be a wife and a mom -- this is something that my high-school friend, Anna, confirmed to me the other day. She remembers me saying that I didn't care to choose out a career - I didn't really WANT to go to college (even though I did go), entirely because I knew my biggest calling in life was to be a wife and a mom.
The irony is the fact that I got just what I wanted, and yet I still seek to have an identity beyond this dream-come-true life that I live.
Here's the funny thing - it was a movie that changed my perspective. I'm not joking!! Monte is hunting this weekend along with our two oldest boys. Claire is at a two-day cross country meet (so the team stayed overnight in a hotel). That left me home alone with my two youngest boys. We decided that we were going to have a movie night, so I rented three movies. One of them happened to be "Moms' Night Out". I started watching it when I crawled into bed and fell asleep in the middle of it (I'm known for not being able to stay awake for a movie if it's started after 8pm!). The next morning I decided to finish the movie - and the part of the movie I missed was exactly what I needed to hear.
Even though sometimes I feel like my work isn't important, even though I feel like I don't contribute to our family as much as I could or should - the only person that I'm letting down in all of this is ME. I have set such high expectations for myself, and they're just not realistic. Being a wife and a mom is a HUGE job. The only person who expects perfection out of me in this position really is ME.
Isn't that ironic ... I am my own worst enemy sometimes!
Through this wonderful (albeit a little cheesy) movie, I was reminded that God designed me specifically to be in this place. He equipped me with what it takes to be great, and by first allowing me to fill myself with His word and His spirit every single day I am equipping myself further to love my family the way that God intended me to love them. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I screw up more things than I care to admit - but that's okay. My family doesn't love me any less. God doesn't love me any less.
I'm perfect for this position, and I need to start truly being present in the place that God put me - because then I can thrive and do my best right where I am!
[Side Note] For those who were asking, I did find something that lets me get out and be with other ladies for a bit! I am now an Independent Advisor for Lia Sophia. I have always LOVED their jewelry (I truly have pieces in my jewelry box that I purchased YEARS ago) and now I get to earn tons of free jewelry while spoiling women with great deals on it, too! Take a look at my website here and contact me if you want to host a party or place an order!