Thursday, January 15, 2009

I lost my cool this morning ...

And I feel darn right guilty about it! I woke from a VERY restless night of sleep, and got up in time to see Claire off to the bus. As she's walking out the door, the phone rings - my Monte is calling to inform me that school has been cancelled today due to the extreme cold. So I yell outside for Claire to come back, she does so, changes into her jammies, and we both crawl back in bed. Perfect morning, right?

WRONG.

My boys were fighting over a video game this morning and one of them decided to resolve the fight by punching the other in the head. Nice. My youngest was just completely out of sorts and throwing fits from the get-go, which left me more than irritated! So I dealt with them as I felt was necessary, then the phone rang again!

Once again - it was my Monte, just calling to see how my morning had gone. After telling him how completely ANGRY I was about everything that happened, I know he was sitting on the other end of the line, searching desperately for something to cheer me up. He reminded me of my stressful days of managing the physical therapy clinic. He reminded me that there's plenty of things to do with the kiddos on this wickedly cold day. I know he was searching for SOMETHING to make me happy, and I was being no help whatsoever. I was in a funk, and I was bound and determined to stay there.

After hanging up with him, I finally got my youngest to eat his breakfast - I told the older three to keep an eye on him while I hopped in the shower. That's when I heard it - the most precious, sincere voice that I have ever heard - speaking directly to my heart.

"Daughter, patience is a virtue that you must hold. Cast ALL of your anxieties on ME and do not fear."

I broke down. I cried - a lot. I have never felt like more of a failure as a new step-mom as I did right before I got into the shower this morning. Once I took the time to still myself - still my crazy mind and still my heart - and truly LISTEN for God in the midst of my crazy ... it was then that He showed himself to me. It was then that I was reminded that I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.

This morning is one I'm not necessarily proud of, but it is one that I'm moving forward from - I've asked my step-children to forgive me for my harshness (to which they replied "You weren't harsh or mean!" ... my goodness I love children!) and I have sent an email to my amazing husband to tell him just how much I love him.

And I am continually reminding myself that, with God, ALL things are possible!!
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