Friday, August 24, 2012

Lost and Wandering

Have you ever been in a position where something in your life is just 'off', or even wrong, and you want so desperately to fix it but yet you can't seem to move your foot to take that first step?

Or is that just me?!

I haven't updated my blog in ages.  Part of that is because I really have been busy, part is because I haven't had the motivation to do so, and part of it is because I've been afraid to be truly transparent with you.  You see, right now in my life I am struggling.  I am fighting an internal battle that I don't fully understand, which makes it difficult to express and explain to all of you.

My heart and my soul are screaming, desiring, begging me to indulge in a deeper relationship with my Creator.  Longing to go back to the woman I once was.  The woman who first sought after God, and everything else fell into place surrounding that.

The problem and the very thing stopping me from getting there is me.  Me and every factor living under the roof of my home.  There is always so much going on that it is so easy for me to make excuses.  We have sports all year long.  The kids have different school things going on.  We had friends over for dinner and they stayed late, so I just have to sleep in.  I just flat out don't feel like going to church.  Monte had a really busy day at work and it would be best if he could just relax at home.

In my head, it takes a lot of effort to get to church.  Ethan has separation anxiety, so dropping him off at the childcare is sometimes difficult - even when I know that his crying stops within just a few minutes and he does just fine without me.  In fact, I know that he plays and has fun while he's in childcare!  It's just those moments of tears when I drop him off and when I pick him up that make it hard.  Or maybe they don't make it hard at all, but maybe they just create an excuse for me.

I want to be the woman that I know I was five years ago.  I want to be the woman who puts her relationship with God before anything else.  The person I am right now - the mom who's patience wears thin and she snaps at her kids, the wife who is less understanding and loving that she sometimes should be, the one who yells - this isn't me.  This isn't my heart.

When I am at church I am me.  When I can open my heart and lay it at the throne of God - I am me.  I want the church-Kami to be the every-day-life-Kami.

Lord, I need you.  I am empty and dry.  Please fill my heart and soul to overflowing with You.  Please help me to make You a priority in my life.  I need You.  I so very desperately need You.  Help me to be the woman that You have called me to be.


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