Is This Really Happening?

I've hesitated in writing this post, entirely because I haven't yet processed my emotions of all that's going on.  However, since a week has passed since my most recent OB visit, I figure it's about time that I update!  So, last week Wednesday, December 2nd, Colin and I headed out to yet another doctor's visit.  Colin really enjoys coming along because they have a play area for him in the waiting room and because he knows that, if he's good when we're in the exam room, he will get a treat on the way home!  It's been fun seeing him listen so well during these visits!

ANYWAY - back to the original topic.  So at this appointment I had another internal ultrasound and I was expecting to go home, give myself a shot of Ovidrel in the stomach and ovulate 36 hours later.  This is what the doctor explained to me at my last visit, so this was completely my expectation.  What I was not expecting, however, was that, after my ultrasound, the doctor would come in and tell me that my ovaries "did not do what we wanted them to do."  Wait - what?  How can that be?  Initially he told me that if I took the Clomid, I would come in and then take the Ovidrel and all would be well.  Now he was telling me that wasn't the case.  What he said was that my ovaries have 40 eggs in them, but yet not one of them became a follicle that would turn into an ovulated egg.  Truth be told, he told me a lot of other stuff too, but I don't remember any of it.  I'm not even sure I heard a word of whatever else he said.  I just know that I was ready to cry because I was totally not prepared to hear this news.  My next step, however, is what just totally blew my mind.  He put me on birth control.  BIRTH CONTROL!!  Granted, I'm only taking it for a month, but it seems rather ironic to me that I'm taking birth control when I'm actually trying to have a baby!!!  He explained that I am taking this to basically clear our slate and start over with a little higher dose of Clomid.  

The great thing is that my OBGYN Clinic does not do fertility testing during the holidays because they don't want their patients to stress about it during this time.  They want us to relax and enjoy the holidays with our family and not think about babies or fertility again until January.  Not only does this irritate me because, if you could get in my head or in my heart, you would know that there is NO WAY that I won't be thinking about it.  There's nothing in me that stops thinking for an entire month about having a baby - how is that possible?  If someone is in fertility treatments, isn't it because they've already made the commitment that they want to have a baby and it's an insanely important thing to them?  But yes, it's Christmas, so be happy and don't think about it.  SHEESH.  I'm glad it's Christmas because that in and of itself provides a bit of mind relief - something else to keep me occupied!  The other reason this irritates me is because we've already paid all of our deductibles through our health insurance, so this month of December is FREE -- and there's nothing that I can do to take advantage of that!

Maybe I should have my tonsils removed?!  ----- I kid, I kid ...

So, to lay it all out, it's a lot to think about as I take my birth control and hope to get pregnant.  That just sounds stupid in and of itself!  My patience is wearing thin on the matter and I'm no longer allowing myself to think about it.  Okay, let's be real here, I'm totally thinking about it almost all the time and just pretending that I'm not.  Ugh.

God, You know my heart and You know my desire to have a baby.  I pray that it will happen in Your will and Your timing ... but please let Your timing be sooner rather than later!! :)