Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My Ovaries are on Strike

I think that's the decision that I've come to: my ovaries are on strike. Today, Colin and I headed out to yet another appointment with my OB. I was so proud of Colin, he was so very good at the appointment and everybody at the office found him to be simply adorable! That was the good part of the visit. The not-so-good part of the visit came when the doctor discovered that, over the last month, I have developed a cyst on my ovary.

Wait - what did you say? A cyst? No, I've never dealt with cysts before, you must be incorrect.

Alas, I saw the ultrasound and I saw what you called a cyst (though I must admit that ultrasounds never look like much of anything to me at this point except a bunch of black squiggly lines!). The thing that boggles my mind is the fact that the cyst formed in the last month. It wasn't on the ultrasounds that I had in December. Trust me, we looked back at those, too. So, while I was on birth control which is supposed to help prevent things like this, a cyst formed.

I'm beside myself. I don't know what to say. I'm on birth control yet again for another month. A whole stinking month! I know in all reality that a month truly is not that long to wait, but when you've been on this journey for even a couple of months, a month sometimes feels like eternity.

I'm not going to lie - I have questions that I know are unanswerable. I wish I knew why God allows some people to so easily conceive and yet I can not. I wish I knew what was truly going on and whether or not I will ever carry a baby of my own in my arms. I wish I had the answers, yet I know that my desire to have all the answers leads me off the road of faith and onto the road of self reliance. So, I will sit back and know that I don't have these answers right now and I will know that it's okay that I don't have the answers.

Can I be honest? During this journey, I think I have been putting more trust in modern medicine than I have in God. I've been relying on my next doctor's appointment, on the next prescription they give me, on the next step of the journey. I think I have to admit that part of me knows that I am having so much trouble because I haven't truly lain this at the feet of my Savior. I haven't let go of this dream and trusted God with all of the answers. It reminds me of a poem I heard as a child:

"As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried, 'How can You be so slow?!'
'My child,' He said, 'What could I do? You never did let go.'"

Psalm 62:8 seems to be the answer I am seeking: "Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him [God] at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower)." [Amplified Version].

What better words to describe the position I am in? I truly am ready to trust in, lean on, rely on and pour my heart out to my Savior. He is the one that I need. He is the one I trust. He is the ultimate physician and He is the one who holds my future baby in His plans.

Thank You Lord for bringing this verse to me in a time when I so desperately needed to recognize You more than anything. Please forgive me for relying on myself, for trying to take control of the situation I'm in, as if anything I could do could ever be greater than the work You can do in me. Father, take my heart and make it Yours. Mold me into the woman You designed me to be. Help me to have a heart that first desires You. Help me to seek You first. Please Lord, I don't know what it's going to take for my body to conceive and carry a baby to term - but You know. I pray that Your healing hands would touch my body and cause health and perfect function to reign in me as Your love, Your life and Your Spirit reign in me. I love You Lord and I thank You for this work You have begun in me - and I thank You that Your Word says that You will be faithful to complete this work. You are awesome, Father! I love You and I stand in awe of You. I am fully Yours.

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