Wednesday, January 27, 2010

There Will Be No More

A decision has been made.  One that has an impact on me, directly.  One that I'm actually quite happy about.  You see, for awhile now I have been going through this process of fertility.  I've been visiting my OB quite regularly, having ultrasounds, taking random medications - all in the effort to conceive a baby.  The effects of all of this have been frustrating.  The medications make me emotional, one even made me angry at the world (no joke, I wanted nothing to do with anybody when I was on this ... which, once we figured out that it was the meds making me feel that way, I immediately discontinued taking them).  I hate having to follow a schedule of take this, go to the doctor three days later, then go back in a week later to see if maybe, just maybe I will get to have a baby (hehe, that rhymed!).

Well, after much discussion with my loving husband, we decided that this is going to be the last round.  Due to the fact that I already have Clomid in my refrigerator that is waiting to be taken, we decided we will try one more time.  We will go the medical route, go in for the ultrasound to see if I can even TAKE the Clomid, yadda yadda yadda ... to the end result of whatever happens.

Truth be told, I'm just frustrated with the process.  Yes, my heart definitely desires to have a baby - but at this point I'm done trying ... medically speaking, anyway.  I will go through my next couple of appointments and then I'm just done.

You see, something in me really feels like I've already been incredibly blessed with four children, so why not enjoy them to the fullest right now?  If and when God decides that Monte and I get to have another baby, that is the time that we'll get pregnant.  While my heart screams and wants so badly for that time to be now, I know that the situation is not in my hands.  It's in God's.  So, due to the extreme emotions I experience and due to the extreme expense of all of this (even with the great insurance coverage that we now have, it's crazy expensive!), after these upcoming appointments I will no longer be going through fertility treatments.

It will be me, Monte and God.  And only in God's timing will everything work.

And I think I'm okay with that.

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