Wednesday, October 21, 2009

When You Just Want to Ask God "Why?"

I had my appointment.  My OBGYN did a quick exam and drew some blood.  Then he had me schedule an appointment for a fertility exam.  He explained that I will receive an ultrasound, an X-ray and a pretty invasive exam on that date.  He explained that the fact that I haven't had a period in the last seven months is something that needs to be addressed whether I'm going to have babies or not.  Evidently it's not a good thing to not be able to hang out with Aunt Flo every month!  So as of right now, I really have no answers.  I don't know if my body is going to be able to conceive and carry a baby.  I don't know that it's not.  I do know, however, that I will not go far into fertility options.  I go up and down with the way that I feel about the situation, with wondering whether I really want to have a baby of my own or if I'm happy being a (step)mom to the four wonderful kids that I have now.  I wonder if maybe God has another path for me.  I also wonder if maybe He is going to use this situation for His glory and I am going to have a baby?  There are so many things that run through my head pertaining to this, and I can't really get all of those thoughts straight.

I want to be honest with you - after I left my appointment, I was a complete Debbie Downer.  I felt sorry for myself.  I cried.  I was gloom and doom and was just certain that this desire in my heart was not going to be fulfilled.  I allowed myself to be in a puddle of pity.  This is one of the many reasons that I'm thankful that I have a sister who is so strong in her faith.  Through the midst of feeling sorry for myself, in the middle of my tears, she gently reminded me that I don't have to look at this as final.  I don't have to take anything that the doctors say as final, because God doesn't depend on the doctors.  She reminded me of the verse in Proverbs that says "the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it shall eat of its fruit."  There is so much power in the words that we speak - and Tanya reminded me of the need to start speaking LIFE and to not allow this attack to drag me down.

I'm not going to lie, it took me awhile to get out of the funk.  In my heart, Ephesians 6:12 kept ringing loud and clear: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."  This battle is not something I'm waging against my own body, but this is a direct attack from the enemy.  This is something that I need to know I will be victorious in.  I have already won this battle because Jesus went before me and fought the fight in my place.

So today, I have a smile on my face and in my heart, I'm happy to say that I am not worried about my upcoming exam and I truly have peace about whatever outcomes come my way.  God has me in His arms, and that's the only thing I need to know!   

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