Thursday, October 15, 2009

Heartache ...

While over seven months have passed since I wrote this post, somehow I feel like I'm back at square one.  I feel like I'm back to that night when the cramping began, back to the moment I began to bleed, back at the moment when I realized that my greatest fear since I found out I was pregnant was slowly coming true: I was miscarrying my baby.  I don't know if it's because of the fact that my heart has longed to be pregnant again, I don't know if it's because it's October 15th that is chosen to remember all babies who were stillborn or miscarried, I don't know if it's because I've been a step-mother for ten months and I'm now realizing that not one of them will ever call me mom.  I want to be mom.  I want to pee on a stick and have it tell me that I'm pregnant.  I want to know the joy of holding my own newborn baby in my arms.  I want to know what it feels like to watch my tummy grow as my baby grows.

Today, my heart hurts.  Today, the tears don't seem to stop falling.  While I know that I need to turn to the arms of God and find my comfort in Him, somehow I feel so completely numb to all of the emotions going on inside of me that I feel as if I'm unable to move.  Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  I want so much to just turn into the arms of my Savior and allow Him to comfort me.  

Lord, I need you.  Emotionally, I'm crashing inside.  I'm overwhelmed and defeated, I'm burdened and hurting.  Please be with me.