Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Internalizing my World

If there is anything that I have learned about myself recently, it is the fact that I internalize far more than I would ever care to admit. By no means is this meant to be a way to say that I'm unhappy because I'm NOT. What I am, however, is someone who is realizing that her opinions and feelings about the things surrounding her are far more intense and extreme than she ever realized.

I thought I was prepared to be a wife and a step-mom. I was certain that it was going to be a breeze. I'm not saying that I expected to never have conflict, to never have a hard day. I am saying, however, that I expected the transition from working woman to stay-at-home step-mom to be ... well easy. Guess what? It's not. Managing the Physical Therapy clinic was easy - it was bookwork. It was something I was trained in and something I was good at. Managing our home, however, is NOT. I will admit it: I DON'T LIKE TO COOK!!! I used to enjoy it, I truly did. Now that it's something I have to do on a regular basis, something about the excitement of it faded away. Cleaning is a chore that never ends! I could literally spend HOURS cleaning our home and it would take our children only minutes to dirty it! One thing that I have learned, though, is the fact that I was good at managing the physical therapy clinic because I was trained to do it. I am still in my training period of being a step-mom, so being imperfect, while it's something I don't want to be, it's still okay!

I'm also internalizing the pain of my miscarriage and the pain of wondering if we are ever going to be pregnant. Every single time that I take a pregnancy test and see that "Not Pregnant" .. every single time I get a period, I wonder why. Why on earth did it happen that I got pregnant right away when we weren't trying, but now that we're ready to be pregnant it's just not happening? Why does my heart still hurt SO badly for the baby that I lost? I know that it's because I lost that baby, because there is a void in my heart that needs to be filled, that is the very reason why it is so hard for me that we're not getting pregnant right now.

I know.

There are a lot of things that I know.

I know that this post sounds completely negative and that I am truly not a negative person.

I know that I truly AM happy in my life, but my stupid wisdom teeth are hurting more than they ever have and trying to be happy is difficult when you have 1,000mg of ibuprofen running through your body while NOT stopping the pain. Don't worry, I go to see the dentist in a couple of hours. No worries.

You know what I truly know? I'm talking REALLY know - so much that it is in me down to my bones. I know that God is God alone. I know that He is in control of my life. I know that I have to have faith that He has me on the right path and that everything in my life will happen in HIS perfect timing and not mine. While RIGHT NOW may seem to be a great time in my eyes, He sees the future and sees where I'm headed and knows when the right time is.

I know that He has my heart, my life, my family and my future in His precious, loving hands. You know what? That's all I ever really need to know.

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