Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Internalizing my World

If there is anything that I have learned about myself recently, it is the fact that I internalize far more than I would ever care to admit. By no means is this meant to be a way to say that I'm unhappy because I'm NOT. What I am, however, is someone who is realizing that her opinions and feelings about the things surrounding her are far more intense and extreme than she ever realized.

I thought I was prepared to be a wife and a step-mom. I was certain that it was going to be a breeze. I'm not saying that I expected to never have conflict, to never have a hard day. I am saying, however, that I expected the transition from working woman to stay-at-home step-mom to be ... well easy. Guess what? It's not. Managing the Physical Therapy clinic was easy - it was bookwork. It was something I was trained in and something I was good at. Managing our home, however, is NOT. I will admit it: I DON'T LIKE TO COOK!!! I used to enjoy it, I truly did. Now that it's something I have to do on a regular basis, something about the excitement of it faded away. Cleaning is a chore that never ends! I could literally spend HOURS cleaning our home and it would take our children only minutes to dirty it! One thing that I have learned, though, is the fact that I was good at managing the physical therapy clinic because I was trained to do it. I am still in my training period of being a step-mom, so being imperfect, while it's something I don't want to be, it's still okay!

I'm also internalizing the pain of my miscarriage and the pain of wondering if we are ever going to be pregnant. Every single time that I take a pregnancy test and see that "Not Pregnant" .. every single time I get a period, I wonder why. Why on earth did it happen that I got pregnant right away when we weren't trying, but now that we're ready to be pregnant it's just not happening? Why does my heart still hurt SO badly for the baby that I lost? I know that it's because I lost that baby, because there is a void in my heart that needs to be filled, that is the very reason why it is so hard for me that we're not getting pregnant right now.

I know.

There are a lot of things that I know.

I know that this post sounds completely negative and that I am truly not a negative person.

I know that I truly AM happy in my life, but my stupid wisdom teeth are hurting more than they ever have and trying to be happy is difficult when you have 1,000mg of ibuprofen running through your body while NOT stopping the pain. Don't worry, I go to see the dentist in a couple of hours. No worries.

You know what I truly know? I'm talking REALLY know - so much that it is in me down to my bones. I know that God is God alone. I know that He is in control of my life. I know that I have to have faith that He has me on the right path and that everything in my life will happen in HIS perfect timing and not mine. While RIGHT NOW may seem to be a great time in my eyes, He sees the future and sees where I'm headed and knows when the right time is.

I know that He has my heart, my life, my family and my future in His precious, loving hands. You know what? That's all I ever really need to know.


  1. Wisdom teeth are terrible. Teeth in general are terrible. Hurray for getting rid of them! :)

    Just don't do what I did last summer and wash down who knows how much ibuprofin, anti-biotics (yay teeth... :( ) with a glass of wine. Apparently you're not supposed to mix those three things in large doses. That's my advice for the day. :)

  2. Hi Kami,
    I found your blog from MckMamma.
    You sound like a Mom! I struggle with the cleaning thing on a daily basis. I have always been a neat, orderly, organized person. Now I am forced to jump from one project to the next depending on where my 1 & 2 year olds want to play. I have so many cleaning projects started and not finished. I can only go so many days and then bam I have an anxiety attack and it MUST get cleaned. I am not sure if it ever ends.

    I am sorry for the loss of your baby. I've heard many times when you least excpet it, it will happen.

    Good luck with your teeth....it will be a relief to have them out!

    God Bless,


  3. Your honesty is awesome! Nobody's life is perfect. We all have our challenging and trying times. You are going through a huge transition---mom & wife all at once---A mom to 4 kids for that matter! That's a lot. It will not be easy. Sometimes when I am babysitting I think about being their mom. It does fly too well, because that would be a huge change, so I can see this being quite the transition for you. It's too be expected.

    I can only imagine what it's like to lose a baby, but I don't know fully because I have never been there, but my heart breaks for you. I know you have always desired to have a baby and I know God will grant you that desire. Take the steps you need to take to ensure a successful pregnancy. Take care of your body and prepare it for the baby that you will have one day. This may be a test of faith my dear! Be patience and wait...You have a lot on your plate right now. Embrace it and be content where you are at and God will take care of the rest.

  4. I think we all internalize a lot of things at different times in our lives. It sounds like this is just a transition for you and transitions are never easy, even if you go into them thinking that it will be easy. Keep your heart focused on God and keep praying. You are strong and I think you are a wonderful person to have the confidence to step in and be a part of this family and to love them.
    I know it does not help a lot, but everything is in God's timing and he will give you all your hearts desires or he may say no or he may just be saying wait. I say this may not be helpful because this is something I struggle with...remember I want things on my time frame, not always on God's timing.
    Stay strong and keep faith.


  5. Wow I can so relate to so much that you have written about!

    I am also the mother to a step-son (who is 5). I thought that would be a breeze since I had kids also but much of the time it is anything but easy! I have two boys from a previous marriage and in August we welcomed a little girl. We found out a few months ago that we were pregnant again and at our 13 week appt there was no heartbeat. Even though I have kids already it was heartbreaking. I get better each day (I think) but it is still painful.

    I also quit my job to be a stay at home mom and feel like I just am not good at it. I am great with the kids but its keeping up with the cleaning, cooking (which I do not like) and all the other things that come with staying home!! I LOVE my life and would not trade any of it except of course for the recent bad news. But just feel overwhelmed at times.

    Just wanted you to know you are NOT alone out there!

  6. what does a 25 yr old single woman and a 42 yr old man have in common??????? It sounds to me and looks like to me that it was all about money! In a yrs time you went from living with your brother and "just making it" to being a "stepmom"! How does that work? Sounds kinda fishy to me.

  7. Just to clarify what I mean by when I babysit and think about being their Mom and it doesn't fly too well...It's because they are not "my" children. It would be a huge transition! I was not implying you being their nanny or babysitter :) Just wanted to clear that up! Sorry.

  8. Okay Sister!! I am up late finishing laundry before heading out to our dear brother's home tomorrow... so I finally had a moment to sit and catch up on your blog.

    Let me first start by saying that whoever "Anonymous" is? ...is awfully GUTTLESS (that's putting it nicely!) for not posting who they are...so delete their obviously 'insecure and very jealous' post and BLOCK them from reading your blog in the future. You should change your settings to not allow 'anonymous' comments or followers. Clearly they need something much better to do with their time!! And while they figure out whatever that is, I will be sure to say a prayer for them tonight.

    Now back to your post...
    Since I know you like very few others do, I will say you ARE being too hard on yourself. I know you are a very candid person and bare your heart on your sleeve...but people reading this need to know how great of a step-mom you are to those precious kiddos and how VERY MUCH you do love them. I know you make that clear, too. But know that the feelings you have are not just unique to being a step-mom. I think there are many days that I am still in "training" too! All of the things you described are things I struggle with myself at times, and I do not have any step-children... so you need to cut yourself some slack and realize that you really are just NORMAL!! It's the season you are in...and these things are all part of living in that season!

    And for the pain of your miscarriage... I know it hurts. You are mourning a human life, so no one expects you to be 'over it'...you likely never will be. But the pain will ease with time. I think...scratch that...
    I KNOW...God sees all that is on your plate right now and wants to make sure you are ready (spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc) before you bring another child into the picture. You don't have to "prove" yourself to anyone but yourself. God isn't looking for you to be perfect... just content. YOU WILL get pregnant again, Kami...I know this in my heart. And I truly believe there will come a day when you know why the timing wasn't for 'now'...though if anyone knows about wanting things in the here and now and wanting them when 'I' want them...it would be me! :) You know that. You have been there for me through so many of those moments lately. And your advise has always been God-breathed. So know that HE does have a plan and I agree with Becca's post...to find comfort in where you are at this moment, and then it will happen! God knows the desires of your heart, and he will see them through to fruition...I truly believe that! My best advice for you at this moment is to draw near to God like never before. Emerce yourself in His presence and He will make your path clear and well-lit! You will be in my prayers!!

    Have a blessed 4th and give the kids hugs for me...I miss them all!

    Love you!!


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